This is my concluding lecture in this season of Love School. In the last post a few hours ago, I talked of the tight-rope walker who displayed his skills while the crowd cheered on. They believed he could do it all. However, when he asked for a volunteer to carry across the rope, they declined. They couldn’t trust him with their lives.
Despite the love, the effort, the knowledge, the skill, the romance, the material comfort that may exist in your relationship, if there is no trust, all the afore mentioned could be rendered irrelevant.
We must commit to trusting our partners.
There are three reasons why people will find it hard to trust:
1. If they are not straightforward themselves.
2. If they have had their trust let down by others in the past.
3. If they have had their trust let down by you, their partner, in the past.
When you know you are not trustworthy, it is likely you will find it hard to trust people. You will likely think everyone else is like you. That is not good for any relationship. In that case, the problem is not the other party, the problem is you.
If your trust has been let down by others in the past, it might be hard to trust anyone else. It is like being caught up in a polluted air situation where you inhaled poisonous substance and you escaped by a hair’s breadth. Will it be alright for you never to breathe in oxygen again? You need to move on and trust. You will need to be careful but you must realize that you need a level of vulnerability to make a relationship work.
If you, the spouse, has failed in the past and betrayed trust, you must realize it will be difficult for the other party to trust you again. You need to work hard at regaining their confidence. They might forgive you instantly, but it will take them a while to trust you again.
Without trust, the relationship will not work.
We need to work on our trust levels. We might be on either sides of the divide. But trust is essential for any relationship to work. Our situation might fall into any of the three classes above but you can work on it.
I believe when both parties are committed to making things work, we can boost our trust levels.
I have seen situations where a spouse calls the other half and asks questions like: “Where are you now?” or “Who is with you?” It can be very irritating. Those people will have issues. Any of three things could have happened:
1. The spouse being monitored has gone to wrong places or had wrong associations in the past.
2. The monitoring partner has the tendency to do what he is trying to prevent.
3. There are already unresolved issues in that relationship.
One day a girl called her boyfriend and asked where he was. He happened to be in the office with us. She insisted on talking with one of us and he gave me the phone. I indulged them and spoke with her that day. Obviously he had told her about me. If it had been now, I can’t vouch I’d be that patronizing. I might just have scolded her for not having trust for her partner.
I have never doubted whatever my wife told me she was doing at any point in time. I have never bothered to ask to speak with anyone else to confirm if she was actually there. Same goes for her.
What if you discover your spouse lied? Will you get an award? Or will you have a headache?
Trust is more about you. It breeds peace. It keeps you sane. Finally, it will be reciprocated by the other party because in my revised version, every good turn attracts another.
Thanks for reading. As usual, we’ll love to read your comments and questions.